Awakening to Life Page 5

  “I’m going to try, Paul.” I confirm, both to him and myself.

  “Okay.”

  He traces circles on my hand. His skin has a slight tan that makes me happy. With our hands intertwined, I can see the stark difference between his health and my pale, sickly body.

  “What have you been up to lately?” I ask, curious as to what this new person next to me would do in his free time.

  “I went skateboarding,” he confesses reluctantly, smirking at my expression of pure shock and awe.

  “Skateboarding?!” I scream in a breathy voice. “Are you insane?! You’re not that healthy yet!”

  He chuckles under his breath. “Evidently. I’m back in here aren’t I?”

  For the first time I notice the hospital gown beneath his grey jumper. I swallow my anger and disappointment, knowing he has probably been scolded by his parents, doctors, and just about every nurse on the floor. “How did it feel?” I ask eagerly.

  “It – It was…” He hesitates, thinking. “It was amazing.”

  “I used to love skateboarding,” he tells me, grinning from ear to ear. “It was so… fantastic! I went to the skate park and I flew up and down the ramps. It was like flying, Allie! I pulled tricks I thought I’d forgotten… and I fell trying to do them and scrapped my knees pretty bad, and I didn’t have to be rushed to a hospital! I felt so free and good and healthy. It was like waking up for the first time in a long time. It was like being truly alive for once! Oh God – I wish you could’ve been there, Allie.”

  I grin, squeezing his hand softly. “No, I would’ve been worrying the whole time and totally killing your buzz,” I half-joke.

  He laughs with me. “I met this guy,” he says, getting really excited. “And he didn’t know me. He didn’t know I was sick and he taught me this neat trick.”

  He starts explaining the way the board flips to me when the door opens and Josh flies into the room. He greets me like it has been years since we last saw each other; his grin wide, teeth exposed, and with a spring in his step as he launches across the room.

  “Allie!” He hugs me gently, but with his whole upper body pressed against my chest. He practically smothers me.

  “Josh!” I complain jokingly. As soon as he lets me up, I grab him into a proper hug. “I missed you too, baby brother.”

  I chuckle as he starts to squirm in protest to my calling him my baby brother. He seems to think now that he is stronger and taller than me, that he is somehow my big brother.

  “Allie! How are you doing honey?” Dad calls across the room as he enters with Mum trailing close behind him.

  “I’m fine.”

  Paul slides from the bed at my slight nudging and walks to the opposite side of the room to sit on the long window seat. Dad takes his spot on the edge of the bed and Mum claims the chair. When everyone is all settled in I ask, “Do we know when I’ll be allowed to go home?”

  “That’s what Dr. Marsden wants to speak to us about,” Mum answers.

  I smile, thinking that this must be a good sign if Dr. Marsden has said something to them about me going home.

  “Don’t get your hopes up, Allie,” Dad warns softly, seeing my smile.

  Never get your hopes up. I have been living like this for years now. Never think you could be a step ahead, and definitely never make plans. Life, or rather the cancer, tends to mock me every time I make a plan.

  Dr. Marsden strides into the room. It’s almost theatrical the way we all wait in silence for his arrival; nervously pacing, biting our nails, or darting anxious glances at each other. He has our full attention regardless, but he takes the time to stand at the end of my bed and angle himself so that everyone can see his face. Then the act drops and his face transforms into an apologetic expression.

  “I’m sorry, Allie,” he starts. We wait impatiently for what comes next, all knowing the routine well – the face, the “I’m so sorry” and then the devastating news. “You’ve entered the blast crisis phase. You’re in the final stage and the disease is progressing rapidly.”

  I do not even feel that ill. There are a few pains and some fatigue, but surely it should feel worse to be dying. I could have a bad case of the flu, for all the difference in my symptoms.

  “We can’t allow you to continue attending school anymore,” Dr. Marsden continues. “You’ll have to stay in hospital indefinitely. It may be weeks, or months. We just don’t know.”

  We all notice how he does not say years. None of us want to address it, but I feel like I have to. I have to know.

  “I want to die at home,” I say assertively. “Will I be able to?”

  It is something I have thought about a lot. When I imagine my final moments, it is always in my bedroom, surrounded by my friends and family.

  “I hope so, Allie. But we’ll have to wait and see. It’s a matter of finances.”

  I swallow painfully, biting back the hurt I’m feeling.

  “So what happens now?” Dad asks cautiously, trying to watch my reactions and the doctor’s at the same time.

  “Now we wait. Allie can go to her school in the next few days, when we are sure she has recovered from her fall. She can speak with her friends and teachers, say her farewells, and maybe make a speech at assembly? Others have found this to be a good means of closure. Even if it is scary, I personally recommend it.”

  I shoot an anxious glance at Paul. I cannot make a speech in front of the entire school – especially about something so personal. No way.

  “Take some time to think about it. Talk it over. But it’s best not to leave it too long. You’re feeling pretty healthy right now. Do it soon; before things go downhill.”

  I nod and Dr. Marsden leaves the room. Mum scuttles out after him, probably to drill him for more information out of earshot. Dad follows. Paul walks over and sits next to me on the bed. He takes my hand and squeezes it lightly. I breathe a little easier.

  “I can’t do it, Paul! I can’t make a speech to the whole school about my cancer! I’d mess up and get confused. I wouldn’t even make sense trying to speak and I’d start crying! I can’t live here. And I can’t die. I’m not ready! I haven’t done anything yet. I haven’t lived yet!”

  He waits for me to calm down, continuing to make soothing gestures. “Okay. Let’s start with the speech.” He flips my hand over and traces circles into my palm. “It’s a good way to explain to Jayden; and to Hailey. She deserves the truth as well, doesn’t she?” He asks it like a question, almost disguising the wise advice.

  Hailey. I feel terrible for lying to her. I even feel guilty thinking of her. I should tell her the truth. Paul is right – and a speech is as good a way as any. As for Jayden, I can make sure he knows, even if he refuses to speak to me.

  I turn to look at Josh. “Can you come?” I dart glances between the both of them, trying to gage their reactions. “Both of you. Can you be there when I give the speech?”

  “Of course,” Paul commits immediately, though I know there are about a million adults he will have to beg for permission first.

  “Definitely,” Josh says. “If I’m allowed to.”

  I laugh at the statement, feeling confident he can come. Of course Mum and Dad will let him. The school should be fine, as soon as they discover that I am dying of cancer. Thank God for the perks of dying.

  When Dad comes back into the room I ask him to call the school and secure me a time slot in assembly when I can give my speech. Part of me hopes they say no. Their consent would mean facing a sea of students and teachers that never really knew me, and Hailey who I always held at arm’s length. It means facing Jayden and forcing him to hear the truth.

  Whether he wants to or not.

  Chapter 6

  The principal watches me with pity in his eyes as I pretend to be preparing myself. The principal, chaplain, and school captains stand in a small cluster by the a
ssembly doors, waiting for their formal entrance to the stage. I will sit in the first row to wait for my turn to speak.

  My hands are shaking uncontrollably and nervous energy consumes my body. A sea of people stare curiously as they watch me sitting in casual clothes. I stick out, like a blue spot on a white canvas. Some of them may even remember who I am; the freak that misses a lot of school. They may have even gossiped about me, saying that I was away to deal with depression or that I was pregnant. Nobody comes up and says hello, or even calls out a greeting as they file in to the auditorium. I wait impatiently.

  I spy the top of Hailey’s head as she enters. She is being swept along with the crowd and does not see me. I make a mental note to remember roughly where she is sitting for later. I want to speak to her, to make eye contact when I apologise for lying. She was my only friend here – my only friend during the last four years of school until Jayden. I cannot see Jayden. I must have missed him walk in. I try desperately to find him in the crowd, but it is impossible with so many students and entrances on both sides of the auditorium. I just hope I can find him when I’m up on stage. Then, it suddenly occurs to me that he may not even be here.

  Music plays over the loud speaker and the principal, chaplain, and school captains enter. Everyone stands and sits when they do. The assembly starts, Paul and Josh clasp my hands. They sit on either side of me. The principal talks about rules for ten minutes, and the chaplain gives a prayer. It is about appreciating life. Paul snorts with laughter when he realises. The captains give a few meaningless notices, and then it is my turn to speak.

  When I’m announced, the students start whispering. The auditorium erupts with the hissing sound of multiple conversations. I take each step slowly, climbing the stairs with feeble legs. I’m afraid I will collapse, but I make it to the stand and I unfold the papers I’m carrying. My hands shake so badly that my fingers refuse to move where I want them to. I drop the page, but the stand catches it before it falls to the ground. I concentrate and ignore the sea of people in front of me. On my second attempt, I get it open and press my palms against the stand so it straightens out.

  “Good morning, Mr. Highlan, staff and fellow students,” I start with the standard greeting. I take a deep, audible breath; and then I launch into the speech Paul helped me write. “For those who don’t know me. I’m Allie Redding and I’m in Year 11 this year. But I speak now to the friends and teachers I’ve had over the years. I came here today to tell you have cancer: chronic myelogenous leukemia.”

  From there, I describe the disease and its affect on my health. I explain that I probably will not live until the end of the year. Many people in the crowd start crying. It seems ridiculous, like some crazy dream. Most of them have never even met me or seen me around school. I see Mr. Maddison with tears running down his face, and I pause to smile and nod at him. I always loved drama. My eyes continue to scan over the crowd and I find Mr. Peterson, my English teacher, to be sobbing. I stumble over my sentence. I’m pretty sure he always hated me. Maybe he just feels guilty now for all the extra homework he gave me when I didn’t have the time or the energy to complete what he had set for the class.

  Finally, I spot Hailey’s dirty, blonde hair. Just in time. I address the rest of my speech to her. “I’m sorry for lying to you all. I know it probably would have been easier to just tell the truth but I wanted to be treated like a normal person for once.” Hailey nods, tears streaming as she meets my gaze. She knows that I’m speaking to her.

  “Thank you for everyone who made this school such a good experience for me. My goal when I was sick was to get well enough to come. Thanks to the teachers, people in my classes who made it fun, and to the friendly people in the hallways who would smile even if they don’t know who I was. Especially, thanks to Hailey, who was my friend even though she knew I was hiding something and wouldn’t tell her what it was. She stuck by me and I really appreciate it. Thank you, Hailey.” I watch her face, never breaking eye contact. My eyes tear up as she continues to cry her heart out while smiling at me. I take a deep breath and pause, searching the crowd for one last face – the most important.

  I can’t find him. The students start getting restless and I’m forced to continue with the speech. I want to address it to him and see his reaction. I glance down at Josh and Paul, drawing strength from their encouraging smiles.

  “Finally, I’m sorry, Jayden. I’m sorry I lied to you. The deception was worse for you than everyone else, because you thought I was being painfully honest. I’m so sorry. At first I didn’t want the truth to come out, and then I didn’t want our friendship to change. But thank you anyway because you made me so happy. You made me feel alive and healthy and really, really good.” I continue searching for his face, without hope now.

  “I wish each of you the best for your future and urge you not to take your lives for granted. Thank you.”

  I fold up the speech gently and leave the stage in silence. Even the rustling and fidgeting stops; no one speaks and everyone’s eyes are glued to my movements. Then suddenly, someone starts clapping. Another person joins, and then another, until everyone in the auditorium is applauding and crying. I collapse into my seat, with my back facing the audience, and let a few tears fall.

  They continue for about five minutes before Mr. Highlan tries to quiet them.

  “Thank you, Alison. You are a very brave and wise individual. This school is lucky to have had you, even if it was only for two short years.”

  He continues to talk about how special I am. It seems a little forced seeing as I hadn’t ever had anything to do with him in my time here, but I appreciate his words all the same. Finally, he announces the chaplain who gives a short prayer for my wellbeing during the remainder of my life and safe passage to heaven. Even Paul mutters an “Amen” at the end of his words. I hope it works.

  Then it’s all over. With Paul and Josh on either side of me, I make my way from the auditorium. People pat my shoulder and smile as I pass, making room so that I don’t have to fight my way out like everyone else. I stop some way outside the door so that I can thank the principal and the chaplain for their kind words before I leave the school for the final time.

  “Alison!” My head whips around as three girls in my year approach me.

  “We’re so sorry for you! If there’s anything we can do, you must let us know, okay?” they gush, before rushing away, not even waiting for a reply. Paul snorts in disgust and Josh squeezes my hand gently.

  “Bitches!” he exclaims loudly; loud enough that they could have heard as they scurry away. I clasp my hand over his mouth, laughing as I scold him.

  “Allie!” I turn slower this time, expecting another shallow group of girls. When our eyes connect, I grin.

  Hailey.

  Paul continues to scowl at her, thinking her to be another stupid classmate of mine. “Hailey!” I yell as she fights her way through the strong current of students heading the opposite direction.

  “Allie,” she gasps as she finally reaches me. “Oh, Allie. I’m so, so sorry. And I forgive you for lying. You don’t have to apologise! I still want to be your friend if you want me to be… We can hang out in the hospital. We can finally have our Disney classics marathon!” she says, referring to our mutual love of all things Disney and our plans to watch them together. I’d never been able to have her sleep over before, or been allowed to sleep over at her house. Now, however, I look forward to it – even if it has to be at the hospital and over several days instead.

  “Thanks, Hailey. I’d love that.”

  “Okay. Call me with a day and time!” She grins, then pulls me into a sudden, passionate hug. As quickly as she initiated it, she turns and heads off, but I see the first tear fall before she scurries away. My eyes well once again.

  Mr. Highlan and the chaplain exit last and I thank them for their speeches. Both wish me the best of luck and then Paul, Josh, and I leave together. As we pass thr
ough the halls, I take a very deliberate detour so as to pass Jayden’s locker, but he is nowhere to be found. Paul places his arm around my shoulder.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he whispers in my ear. “He’s an ass for ignoring you. You don’t need people like that in your life, Allie.”

  I nod slowly. “Let’s just get out of here,” I say, finally giving up hope that Jayden will ever speak to me again. I’ve seen the last of him.

  Josh goes back to class and Dad drives Paul and I back to the hospital, where we play card games while we wait for Paul’s mother. Game after game, I continue to lose. But I am distracted. And in his company, I am happy.

  “You don’t want to mess with me – I’m unbeatable,” Paul whispers threateningly.

  My ear tickles as his breath hits my skin. A shiver runs the length of my body. I giggle nervously, trying not to let on. I raise my eyebrow as he sits back, keeping his face only a few centimetres from mine. I try to stay strong, meeting his gaze and maintaining an expression of boredom, clutching the cards to my chest.